An Unfair And One-Sided Review
by Sammy Kablam
Fight: Hard Landing
My back and my neck are in notable amounts of pain, there's sand in my shoe, and people are going to try to pressure me into going out tonight for fireworks. I am not in a great mood. But, who am I to waste a good bit of unhappiness? In fact, I can't think of anything better suited for my current state than sitting down with a pile of "Hard Landing".
The Dinnertime Boys
I do not accept the idea that you are serious. About half the arrangement isn't bad, but it sounds like an Atari parade. Now, whereas I love me some 8-bit synth, this music is 100% unrelated to the topic at hand. 100%. There is no arguing otherwise. A real person cannot tell me that, had they been unaware of the prompt and that horrid voice saying "hard landing" was stricken from the music, one would come to a conclusion anywhere near the notion of "hard landing". This music has nothing to do with anything, and I don't know why you did this.
At first glance, I dislike you because of your name. Nothing says "this will not be of good quality" like a name that appears to be thought up by stoned 6th graders. Then I played your entry.
At 1:04, I really wanted to shut this shit off. But I decided to suffer thru it. And suffer, I did. What the fuck is this? Is this something you're sincerely proud of? It's noise. Abrasive, aggravating noise. It holds no aesthetic value. This is not a song -- this isn't even art, and I have a VERY broad and structured concept of art. This is nothing but static and sound bytes, thrown together with no genuine effect whatsoever. It is failure; it is nothing.
Oh, look: a song. Looks like somebody actually tried. Your verses feel empty. Like the music is missing something. It's not bad, but the segments between chorus and verse feel fuller. As for the lyrics, I'm with you until the gargantuan monkey fist. I hope that's reference to something with which I'm not familiar, because otherwise...you're a nut. Also, why is there a camera in a "creepy doll" at a science lab? This all sounds like one of Jonathan Coulton's fever dreams. I guess that's not bad, but...it's certainly an odd concept.
What is with these goofy fucking band names? Anyway...
This is a rap (I guess). You should not have such trouble with your lyrical rhythm in a rap song. It's astounding. And...wait...is this a rap song about orbit rent-a-cops? What the hell? The concept of mall cops rapping is kind of funny, but this doesn't even make sense. It just doesn't. Also, it's terrible.
The first thing in my mind was "Dear god, not another techno piece of crap." The second thing I thought of, when you started saying "Hard" over and over, was Strongbad. And, maybe it's just me, but when you started saying "Landing", I thought of Sesame Street. you know, the segments where a Muppet is trying to put a word together, and...well, I'll show you what I mean:
Anyway, as you can imagine, the most entertaining part of your song was looking up Sesame Street segments on YouTube. In fact, your song pretty much serves as a reminder of all the things in the world that really ARE entertaining. Your song is about as interesting as the color beige. There is nothing to it, and after a while I started to hear "Hard Blanding". There are no surprising twists or turns, and the only change-up is at the end, when the song gives up on itself and simply ceases to exist. Congratulations, you wrote a theme song for boredom.
Panna Cotta Army
Is that production value? I think my heart may have murmured with shock. This kind of thing blows my mind. It's like you're out walking your dog, and you happen to notice a it passing a diamond amongst the usual make. The frustrating part is, if I wasn't reviewing this stuff for Spintown, I'd never hear this song. Unless you're posting somewhere else. But if this is it, knowing what I know about the regular stock at Song Fight, I'd never be here without these reviews, and would most likely never come across this very high quality number. Please contribute more to Song Fight to make this gig easier to handle.
I'm not completely sold on the chorus, but everything else is pretty slick. And that's not to say the chorus is really even bad, I just think it's missing something. Unfortunately, I can't really say what. That's about all I can say in a negative way this time.
Another very foreboding name...
But, there I go being proven wrong. I'd hesitate to call this the best song of the bunch, but it's definitely not bad. I don't really like having so little to say about the good songs, but in my case, you should take that as a good thing.
You sound like Eddie Vedder had a stroke. The music's not bad, but I can't get past your voice. Half of the things you say are words; half of it is Bob Dylan mumbling in his sleep. It's kind of funny, but it doesn't do your song any justice. Maybe rerecord it, and sing like a person.
Not really a bad song, but more along the lines of something from a musical than I expected from a Durand. Then again, maybe the lesson there is not to expect anything and just enjoy the show. I thought the vocals were a bit shaky in the beginning, but seeing as how Steve's doing two competitions at once, I'm not going to be too critical. After all, that piece was rather complex, musically, and very well put together for a guy with such time constraints.
Oh, man. Those sung hooks are cringe-worthy. Maybe that's supposed to be ironic? Since your entry is about how bad other Song Fighters are, I'm assuming your hooks are so awkward to make fun of the questionable singing of past entrants. Of course, a rapper making fun of people for not being able to sing doesn't make a WHOLE lot of sense. But, I also can't say that your general assessment is flawed, either.
This might be what Mr. Spoon was talking about. I keep getting about 2 minutes into your song, and realizing I haven't been listening. Let me try one more time.
Aw, sorry; there's paint drying on the wall across the room, and it keeps distracting me. This thing is just so damn musically redundant, not to mention slow and dull, that I sincerely can't focus on it. It's just...boring. Really, really boring.
Chopped Liver Meat God
"I wish I could avoid you, but you're still here". My sentiments, exactly.
The sounds don't seem to fit together at all, and that drum beat gets VERY annoying after two minutes. The tempo change at the chorus is interesting, but then we go right back into the incessant verses. And whereas the choruses seem to be creative with the topic at hand, the verses don't seem to be saying anything relevant at all. I really think this would have potential if another writer comes in and salvages what's left to work with. As is, though, it's clunky, muddled, and I'm never playing it again.
MC Sharks In The Swimming Pool
These fuckin' names. I need an aspirin.
Don't hear too many rappers backed up by a flock of robot geese. Interesting choice. I also love that after 30 seconds, you felt the need to remind the listeners that there really is a song coming. Good thinking, I'll bet a lot of people were wondering if they'd missed it.
As far as I can tell, the message of the song, itself, is that you aren't to blame for your hate crimes. That's quite remarkable. I don't even think I can make fun of this any worse than the fact that it exists already does.
Interesting intro. And that's about it. There were drastically worse entries this round, but that's not supposed to be a complimentary argument. There's nothing catching or pleasing about the song once it starts. It happens, it sounds kinda like any given mid nineties sad band, and then it ends. Incredibly forgettable.
Well, that's that for "Hard Landing". I'm truly baffled that there were no songs about skydivers with the wrong backpack or professional wrestlers. Seems like easy material for such a prompt; but hey, at least we got a bunch of emo songs and two guys who didn't even BOTHER with ideas or lyrics. That's how you stand out in a competition, right? I mean, what do I know, anyway?
Until the next (dyslexic) Fight,